Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Retarded Indian Premier League

Sri Sri Sir Ravindra Jadeja Baba ki Jai. Jumping Japang and all of that.
Hello hello hello, welcome to that wonderful time of the year. No no, not the IPL or the overdose of horrible advertisement time. The time when Farah Khan pops into random people's rooms, kitchens and loos and asks them to dance on a song whose lyrics remind proud parents of their infants first beautiful words. "Japang. Gilli gilli aa."
Before moving on to the main subject of this post, this is what has been happening so far in the league. Chris Gayle seems scarier than Gabbar Singh ever did and his shots fly higher than anything Vijay Mallya ever owned. Virat Kohli is the first Indian cricketer to speak proper English since Rahul Dravid and Saurav Ganguly without sounding like a 14 year old girl (Yes yes I mean Sachin) or saying "But of course" in the beginning of every sentence. The Pune Warriors are fallen Warriors who need more than just "Sahara" from their owners, Hyderabad have named their team after a time of the day I've never seen. As per usual it's the most important time in Preity Zinta's calendar and to top it all of, there's the hilarity of seeing Delhi men get raped for a change. All of that and the over abundance of obviousness of match fixing for TRPs has lead me to call the league, The Retartded Indian Premier League or RIP(L).
This year's edition of the IPL was preceded by a pretty boring and non eventful test match series where India beat the mighty Aussies 4 matches to none. Which was preceded by an even more boring England's tour to India. All through the calendar year we had boring matches which hardly anyone watched apart from the serious cricket lovers who were going on about how amazing New Zealand vs South Africa was, while some people were like "New Zealand? Woh abhi bhi cricket khelte hain?"
Then lo and behold, out comes the Pepsi IPL and all of a sudden we have dramatic last ball finishes, tied matches, nervous nail bitting and a nation going, "Wow man, cricket is the best sport in the world." While the more astute of us question, "Pepsi? Weren't they trying to "Change The Game" to football only a year ago? And while some other men go, "Bhai, Karishma Kotak maal hai."
Here's what happens in every IPL match ever played. A team makes runs, loses a wicket or two, then gets a solid partnership going, all of a sudden in the 8th or 9th over the umpire signals "Up yours" and they take a 2 minute 30 second break where they're told by bookies how the next few overs are going to pan out. The time out ends, and BANG. In the first over a wicket falls and a commentator's voice says, "How many times have we seen this? A lapse in concentration and a wicket?" Seriously bro, if you're a cricketer and more often than not you play on the international level and you lose a wicket after a 2 minute break, then you'd be better of being a part of the Indian Parliament. I mean, playing gully cricket we've often taken 10 minute breaks to find lost cricket balls every 5 minutes only to come back and score runs again and then spend another 10 minutes looking for the lost ball.
But wait there's more, there are another 7 overs of slow runs being scored and before you know it there's another 2 minute 30 second break for the bookies to earn more money. Then the second innings gets under way and it all starts again. Up until the 15th or 16th over of that match, you're pretty sure which team might win.
Oh but wait, the last "Strategic Match Fixing Time Out Break" of the match is what defies all odds and the matches take a serious turn and as Ravi Shastri would say, "Go down to the wire." A team scores 180 runs, the match is a close finish. A team scores 150, the match is a close finish. A team scores 120, and yeah, you guessed it right, the match is a close finish. And obviously, if a team needs two runs to win of the last ball, Sir Jadeja is batting and RP Singh is bowling, you know Jadeja is going to get out but still end up winning the match because RP Singh manages to bowl a no ball so big that even Mohammed Amir and Yaseer Hammed who were banned for bowling deliberate no balls and fixing matches would say, "Bismil El Rehman E Rahim, yeh thoda zyada ho gaya."
The Indian Premier League is fixed, it always has been. Don't get me wrong, I love cricket, I really do. Like all Indian children, when I was growing up I dreamed of being a cricketer but the fact that I have to go into the "movies and entertainment" section on a set top box to watch the IPL speaks volumes of what the league really is.